Mediocre Movie Reviews
November 11, 2020 by Ishaan Koratkar
Movies are arrays of 1s and 0s that people like, especially when they are parsed by a computer connected to a bunch of little pixels. What else is there to say? Do you want an introduction or do you want to have some fun reading mediocre movie reviews?
Movie 1: Casino Royale
This one features a guy named James Bond. It’s quite a famous movie, and quite boring as well. The action scenes are really just there to complement the poker, which is the real star of the movie. I don’t know how to play poker, so that explains my disdain. I give Casino Royale a 2/5, because it’s boring.
That was pretty mediocre as a movie review, do you want to read another one?
Movie 2: Gemini Man
This one features an actor named Will Smith. I think he’s pretty cool, and the movie is about him and his romantic adventures with his clone. I give it a 4/5, for no reason at all.
Movie 3: The Social Network
This one features a young Mark Zuckerberg, the CEO of Facebook. It tells the story of him starting several unsuccesful websites, including “Footbook”. Footbook was a image sharing site for feet pics, and was quite succesful, but couldn’t generate any revenue because nobody felt comfortable buying ads for it. It also failed to raise any money from Venture Capitalists. Mark then changed the name to “Facebook”, because he figured that more people are into faces than feet, and that the ones who were into feet all had foot fetishes and Ohhhh, that’s why no one wanted to buy ads!
Mark did all this in college, which he ended up prioritizing over his company.
I give this movie a 5/5 for the lesson to not drop out of college.
Movie 4: The Minority Report
More of a documentary, this one is all about what it’s like for minorities everywhere in Canada. The movie is a endlessly fun adventure all throughout the northern half of North America. The movie starts off with this Indian family, who make a big deal about the fact that they aren’t from India, but rather natives of Canada. They claim that their tribe has been living in Canada for hundreds of years, and has nothing to do with Bollywood. We then meet a family of “Chinese” people (by now, we’ve learned not to trust what people say about their origins). They claim they are actually from Korea, and that the film makers are being rasict. The film makers start laughing and making faces at the family. The mother of the family starts yelling at their guests, saying that they’re being rasict infront of their young daughter. We see the film makers get kicked out of their guest’s abode, and the movie ends.
I give this movie a 3/5.
That’s all for Mediocre Movie Reviews. If these made no sense, I would suggest watching the movies.
Thanks to Aditya Koratkar and Sahir Pagey for reading drafts of this article.
2020/11/11 by Ishaan Koratkar