Mediocre Movie Reviews 2
January 1, 2021 by Ishaan Koratkar
Many oligarchs and gods were upset with the way that 2020 went, and they decided it time to release the update. They are calling it “2021” (internal development name: 2020.2 version 2: the sequel). For the first day of this new year, I have written a new Mediocre Movie Reviews column. Let’s begin, shall we?
Movie 1: Tenet
Tenet is a movie by Christopher Nolan, and it’s all about traveling through time with future rocks and reversed entropy. The movie was made cleverly and is pretty satisfying to watch. It’s by no means perfect, Tenet suffers from obscurity and lack of explanation. The main character is referred to only as “The Protagonist” throughout the movie. Was Nolan trying to be clever, or did he forget to update the script before submitting it? I guess we will never know, but Tenet’s quite a ride, I highly recommend it.
I give this movie a [PLACEHOLDER RATING, UPDATE PRIOR TO SUBMISSION!]/5
Movie 2: Independence Day
Independence day is a movie starring shiny young Will Smith! The movie is about defending Earth from aliens, who have come to take it over. Oddly, only America figures out how to stop the alien fleet, but it makes sense. The colonists who came to America forcefully took the homes of the 500 tribes that were already there. So America is the most experienced at land stealing (and would therefore understand the psychology of another land stealer), right? Just kidding, it’s Britain. The movie’s token alcoholic genius from MIT, named Dave (played by Jeff Goldblum) saves the day by literally writing a computer virus for the alien’s mainframe. It makes absolutely no sense.
I asked a computer engineering major about this, and he told me that from a computer science perspective, aliens at this level of society would have to be using computers waaaaaaaaaaay more advanced than ours. Would they even use binary? Probably, but you do need to recompile programs for different chip architectures today, so imagine how different an alien system would be? Let alone the programming language…
The best scene in the movie was when Will Smith crashes in the desert with an alien, after a fighter jet/UFO chase. Will Smith ejects himself out of the plane and lands in a parachute. He walks over to the UFO, and the spacecraft door opens, releasing a strange gas. Some tentacles emerge out of the vapor and soon the face of an alien, accompanied by a menacing growl. Our hero swiftly knocks the alien out in a single punch, lays down on the UFO, pulls out a cigar, and then utters the immortal line, “Now that’s what I call a close encounter!”
I give this movie a 0011/0101.
Movie 3: 2001: A Space Odyssey
The first three minutes of this movie are a black screen. The next 17 minutes? A bunch of monkeys at the “Dawn of Man” The next hour is taken up by a bunch of boring business government talk. Half an hour later, we finally get to the interesting part. I watched this movie with my family, and everyone fell asleep, save for me and my cat. It’s quite a good movie. The questions it asks on AI were thought-provoking and masterfully relayed through the medium of film. The movie was written in the 1960s, when humans still had a chance at beating machine intelligence in chess, making the movie far ahead of its time. The whole narrative was watching humanity start as a few scattered primitive ape tribes, then to apes with sticks, then to being AI wielding apes with spacesuits, then finally to being apes overpowered by their AI.
I give this movie a 4/5, because of monkey.
Movie 4: Star Wars Episode [ROMAN NUMERALS CAN’T RENDER IN YOUR REGION]
What happens when a bored celebrity under the influence of alcohol wants even more fame and attention? This documentary in the famous Star Wars series explains it all. It goes in deep on the brains of celebrity Luke Skywalker and his complicated relationship with his dad. We learn about this cult he is trying to join called the “Jedi” and the opposing cult called the “Sith”. Along the way, we meet a drug lord that looks like a slug, a princess, a felon named Han that got in trouble with the aforementioned slug—I’m starting to suspect this documentary was produced using visual… trickery.
I give this documentary a 1/5, because of the complete lack of citations, credibility, and honesty. I’m going to go as far as to say Star Wars is effectively fiction.
That’s all for Mediocre Movie Reviews 2. If these made no sense, I would suggest watching the movies.
See also: The Flop House
I started this weblog last year and wrote 14 articles in 2020. It doesn’t matter whether people read this or not, because the whole point is to get better at writing, and you start by actually writing. If you do read this though, thanks! In the future, I’m going to write less content, but put more energy and time into each piece of work.
2021/01/01 by Ishaan Koratkar